Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
