I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
