is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
