Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
They have beer where we have blood.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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