Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
