I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Ketchup is God's man juice
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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