Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
