He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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