as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
