How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So here I am, sexting at work.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
