2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
