HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
