Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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