I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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