your parents love me but you hate me
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
What drink are we having for lunch?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
