i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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