I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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