I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm passing your future prison.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
