she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
