I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
