i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
