She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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