i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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