Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
