he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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