Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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