I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
