so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
