you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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