I wish I could teleport
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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