on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
