Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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