why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
