Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
