we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
