Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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