I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
