You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
