You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
