i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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