I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
