HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
