I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I need to align my fucking chakras
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
