I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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