So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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