I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
