FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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