I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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