i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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