hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
