I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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