i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
