Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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