I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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