i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
