I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
